hautebomb

Spring is here, and that means everyone is all of the sudden obsessed with color, as though they just discovered pink, and that they could put it on jeans.

I like pink alright. I might even like this dress, by Roksanda Ilincic, if the sleeves were sliced off. Oh, the sleeves, the SLEEVES!

Despite the ridiculous wrist-accents, this dress wins points for usefulness; in case you’re walking around your mansion and need to snuff out a candle, you can do it with a mere flick of the wrist.

Just watch for the nails.

Buy a small trinket for your wife. And then buy this bra for your mistress….this La Perla creation is clearly meant to be worn strictly in the (Motel? Hotel? Holiday Inn?) bedroom, because if you left the house wearing it, you’d be stopped on the street and accused of lifting loofahs from the local drugstore.

Plus, like I always say, this gift wins points for double-duty – after a torrid tryst you could always slice the cups off and use them to scrub the aroma of her perfume off your guilty hands.

This, my friends, is a porcelain figurine by Lanvin, aptly named “Miss Lanvin”. She is sitting on a polar bear, perhaps to say, “Ha! Extinction? I laugh in the face of extinction. I had my minions fly straight to the North Pole to pick me up one of these babies to use as a sofa. Eat that, mother earth.” It was probably hand-painted by Christmas Elves (or small Chinese children). For $750.00, she can be yours.

Regardless, if you are one of the 3,000 super-lucky souls that gets to buy a present for the spawn of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (a.k.a. Suri Cruise), this would do just fine. She may be frustrated that it’s not a pair of sky-high sequined Jimmy Choo heels and smash it on the floor, but hey, any press is good press, right?

Oh, girls of a certain age out there (ahem, late 20-somethings), remember the Delia’s catalog? Yes, Delia’s. You know the one. Don’t pretend you don’t. You were there in 1998, swooning over flared cargo pants, cropped denim, ribbed sweaters, grungy-hoodies, t-shirts adorned with monkeys and rainbows, and, of course, the fair-isle sweaters. You were THERE, dammit. Tell me you were there.

Anyway, I most definitely was – scooping up my Delia’s catalogue from the mail pile and retreating to my room like a hob-goblin, circling all the ugly crap I’d soon be wearing.

THIS SWEATER WAS IN THAT CATALOG. Someone, verify. Please, verify so I know I haven’t been brained by Santa with a massive bag of prezzies (how awesome would that be).

Ok, so this sweater is actually the really expensive Raf Simmons $570.00 version of that sweater – and it’s a grand gift for your gay-boyfriend-who-also-secretly-loved-Delia’s- but-couldn’t-tell-anyone-because-he-was-in-the-8th-grade-and-hadn’t-come-out-to-his-mom-yet. This is a gift that says, “Honey, I always knew.” Perfect.

(Model’s face hidden to protect her true identity).

Let’s face it, everyone loves to get gifts. Almost no one likes to give them. I’m going to take the guesswork out of the Holiday season for you all, and the dollars out of your wallet, with my…Haute Holiday Gift Guide 2011! Here I will share with you all the fan-freaking-tastic fancy-schmancy gifts you can buy your friend, lover, or grandparent(s), and everyone in between.

Let’s start with this dress by Thysken’s Theory.

A gift for: Your Most Fashionable Mormon Friend.

Why this gift is awesome: Ok, it’s really hard to shop for Mormons, seeing as they rarely do anything interesting (Caffeine? Booze? Cleavage? No sirree!). But you know what every Mormon woman really is, deep inside, beyond the high-waisted khaki’s and bulky red turtle neck sweater? A lover of fine silk and designer labels. They just aren’t allowed to say it.

So, get her this silk dress that will make her feel like she’s walking the cat walk, only she’ll be walking from the laundry room to the kitchen and then to pick up the kids from school! And, this is a silk dress that will always stay free of red wine and coffee stains, not to mention it will be almost impossible to tell if she has boobs, a waist, or hips, or even ankles. Perfect, and oh so pure.

What the filthy rich wear to their Ugly Christmas Sweater parties. On 5th Avenue. When no one knows it’s an Ironic Ugly Sweater Party. So people are wearing crap like this, but for real.

Pardon my hiatus, folks. I have been – how you say – stuffing my face with turkey and sweet potato pie. I have gained my own weight in green beans. I am pregnant with a mashed potato baby. You get the (hideous) picture. The triptophan knocked me on my ass.

Regardless, I’m back in action and bringing you the best overpriced shizz the interwebs have to offer, and just in time for Christmas!

Take these here  $925.00 Marni sandals, for example. They remind me of “My First High-Heels” (you know the pair, gals). If I wanted to go back to sixth grade, and trust me, I don’t (think brace-face and hungry-caterpillar eyebrows), I would save my dough and purchase these instead for $54.00:

Now THAT is what my grandfather would call a “sensible shoe”. Going back in time to junior high? Purchase these here.